Birth trauma, and what it taught me…
My second birth landed me in the ICU on a ventilator for four days, while my son spent 8 total weeks in the NICU before going home… but it was less traumatic than my first experience.
I’ve had two traumatic childbirth experiences. I actually used to not share about them, because I didn’t want pregnant women to hear me and be scared their experiences would be similar… but I’ve also learned that being prepared and being focused on a good outcome can work in tandem if you are planning or expecting.
I’ve also learned it’s important for me to speak out, so other people who have birth trauma can feel heard!
For my first son, our birth experience ended in an emergency crash surgical birth and I wasn’t able to have anyone in the room with me. I wasn’t able to be awake. And everything happened so quickly I wasn’t able to mentally give consent. I eventually worked out in therapy that I had felt violated by the race to surgery and that I had not really been able to process I needed a surgery to save my son.
For my second son, we went to the emergency room at 29 weeks pregnant, knowing we were likely having a baby that day because my body was so stressed. I was able to process and even request a surgery, plus I was able to choose the anesthesia route that would allow me to be awake. After my son was born, I ended up in an extreme crisis and spent 4 days in the ICU, sedated and on a ventilator. Once I was awake I worked really hard to get back on my feet and get to the NICU for my son, who spent 8 total weeks living there before he came home.
While both of my birth experiences were traumatic in different ways, my first was perceived by my body and brain as way more traumatic. Probably because I couldn’t process what was happening, and it left me with PTSD and postpartum anxiety. (If this is you- I highly recommend finding a therapist &/or support group so you can talk safely about your experiences. If you’d like to join my online support group- which is focused on helping preemies grow healthy and strong, but includes moms who’ve experienced birth trauma, let me know!)
For my second birth, I obviously had a lot of experience with NICU life and premature infants, plus was aware of how hospital birth typically works. I was able to make sure I not only was assertive and had a voice, but that post birth, I had my own advocate. Despite almost dying in the ICU, my overall experience felt calmer and more empowering because I made choices, my advocate stood up for me, and my husband knew my wishes and made decisions informed because of our many conversations after our first experience.
I was not sure I’d even want to have another child after my first birth, because of the trauma and fallout I had from my experiences. But as I started to work through things, I realized I could prepare for a good experience and also have plans for if things went wrong. This served me well!
All my preemie babies, two by adoption, growing strong and together overcoming their own challenges helps inspire me to keep going myself.I don’t think anyone needs to “learn” anything from their birth trauma. It’s incredibly hard to see so many women having similar experiences as what I went through. In fact, before I started healing, just hearing the words “birth trauma” could be triggering.
I do like to make sense of things in my head, so it helped me to find some purpose in what I went through… so here are some things I learned….
I am so so so much stronger than I thought! I had a surgery and woke up with no pain medication. This is not a life choice anyone would make, but it did show me that nothing can stop me. I am an amazingly strong woman, and I was going to rock being a mom after such a trial by fire.
Sometimes the worse things, bring the important things to come. Because of my traumatic second birth, and my son’s extended NICU stay, it led to us meeting the birth parents (or first parents, if you prefer) of the two kids we adopted several years later. We both had infants in the NICU at the same time. And both are now my sons, who were born 6 days apart. I cannot imagine my life going any other way now.
I have learned to be a better person. It has allowed me to make space for other mothers with birth trauma, and be supportive of their experiences. To be a safe space, to be an encourager (which I firmly believe I was born to be) and show other mothers there can be light at the end of the tunnel.
Please know that none of this came lightly. It took years of therapy, aromatherapy and journaling to be able to speak about my experiences. I still get triggered audibly by the door bell sound the one NICU used to allow parents in. I avoid hospitals and even doctor offices because of what all I went through. Thankfully I’ve found a local provider who understands my experiences and offers medical care outside of a typical “white coat” type office.
But if you are me at the beginning, I want to say, you didn’t need this to happen to you to learn anything. Your experience was an accident and you are not broken because bad things happened beyond your control. You can find healing when you are ready. And it’s ok to not be ready yet.
Yet is a powerful word. If you’ve struggled with birth trauma, know that the space to heal and overcome will wait for you to be ready. And if it isn’t yet… one day it will be.
You are safe. And you are loved. 💕
~Naomi
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