I almost didn’t write this post. We did go hiking yesterday, a Christmas tradition we unfortunately had skipped last year. Before kids and through the earliest years with babies, we always took the time to get out into nature on Christmas Day, to just enjoy the quiet and breath in the forest.
However it was not the dreamy walk in snow covered woods I had imagined. It was akin more to a dumpster fire. Kids screaming in the woods… our dog going crazy at one point- wanting to protect “her” kids… everyone some degree of upset by the time we arrived back at our van.
All in all, I don’t regret going. And I always promise to be real. I could say the walk through the woods, by the river, was lovely. But it wasn’t. It was trying. Both our foster children were removed from their home this time of year- one just before Christmas and the other shortly after. This time of year to them is trauma. They lost the only family they had ever known, and the only connections they had in their lives.
We have spent the last two years loving them & giving them as much security as a foster home can. Trying to give them a sense of normal in an absolutely ridiculous set of circumstances. And some days (honestly most days) the trauma just overflows into everything else. Christmas day is no exception.
That’s what happened yesterday. Trauma rose and tried to conquer.
But we still did it. We got out, into the woods, and hiked almost a mile & a half.
Benton Spillway is a hiking & kayaking trail we like to frequent because it’s close to where we live, plus it’s very well maintained. While a popular destination in the area, even when the parking lot is filled, the trail itself never feels too busy. And our kids love the spillway, which is unique, and always interesting to check out.
Without snow, and such a mild winter so far, we met slightly muddy trails & some occasional herbs and grasses along the trail. It was quiet, except for one of our kids deciding they didn’t want to hike & literally dragging their feet. (Always a possibility when you hike with four toddlers!)
As we walked along the river section, I reflected on the huge turtles we had seen the last time we were there in late summer. Doubtless, they are sunk deep down into the mud, performing their silent dance with almost death. Our advent this year had included All Creation Waits, an advent devotional about how animals survive the winter. The first night, when we talked about how the painted turtle turns almost to goo, as it waits to take a breath, reminded me of how moms often wait til the last minute to care for themselves.
And my vow for this coming year is to care for myself, so I can not only care for my family, but so my family can see how essential it is they also care for themselves. Because we have to break that cycle of moms almost losing themselves in their inability to breathe, as they breathe for everyone else!
And if that means I need walk in the woods alone, with my thoughts and the clear air… then we’ll figure out a way to make that happen. Because I matter. And my mental health. (And I hope you can do the same!)
But for now, we drag the kids along and hope they realize how important the tradition eventually will become.
May you stay safe & well! ~Naomi
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